Harriet and I have been doing a lot of chatting back and forth since she wrote her “Practicing the Presence of God” series. I’m sure this works differently for different people, but I have been sitting by my indoor pond just allowing myself to “be” and not think about fears of the future and regrets of the past. Just to be in this one moment…
I have been practicing breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth in long, slow, rhythmic, deep breathes that fill my lungs and relax my whole body. Just being in the moment where I smell the freshness of the water, the tantalizing scent of the ocean incense, listen to the subtle play of the water from the fountain in the pond. When my mind begins to wonder, I start praying the Serenity Prayer…
“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And I pray for “Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.”
Since the strokes and the loss of my homestead, I have been adrift. I feel lost and like my life is meaningless. Too late to go back, too late to start over… feeling mired, perhaps in self-pity. Disability has its own course of grieving and acceptance and I had multiple challenges all in a very short period of time. But by staying in the moment and praying for His will in my life, I sense an awakening. If nothing else, all of this has taught me that life IS a gift and I just have today. That the direction of my life can change in a moment.
The first thing I noticed when I started this journey was a shift toward gratitude. Gratitude for today. Gratitude for the health I do have. Gratitude for those in my life.
Then a letting go… Letting go of the past and the hurt. Letting go of those I love and those I do not. God’s will; not mine. Breathing in deeply with gratitude and exhaling the past and the pain. The breathing has become an exercise in letting go.
And I’m experiencing a burst of creativity and well being – as long as I stay in the moment and in myself. Allowing myself to relax, to play, to go to bed when I want and rise when I want, not feel constricted by time or other people’s expectations, and letting go of self-imposed goals.
I’m guessing that this is a journey that most of us take as we age, accepting physical limitations, sensing that time is somehow going faster, regretting losses and mistakes of the past, but coming to recognize what a gift we have in today. And I’m sure I’ve been here before, I am just relearning, re-experiencing being in the presence of God. He has been carrying me for quite a long time now, holding me gently until I could reach out and grasp onto Him again.
With this awakening, I have been looking at envisioning my life as it is now, one day at a time. That most precious of gifts, time, seems to be running through my fingers like grains of sand. What do I want from my days and nights? What does He want? What did He sacrifice Himself for?
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16
Life now and everlasting. How should that life look?
I don’t know. But I do believe that God often speaks through others.
Harriet has shared that one of her ideals is a home that that provides warmth and beauty for her – not others. Hmmm, since being in this house I have not even hung curtains. It is a shelter; not a home. But if I am in acceptance in the now, it is my home. I have hung curtains – it is a baby step.
Baby steps in acceptance. Baby steps in letting go. Baby steps in listening…
Listening to the words of others that touch my heart. Baby steps in exhaling the past and being in the now. Listening to God’s wisdom in quiet moments by a pond that came to be via a leaking aquarium.
Preparing for a future with my Lord…
This is Your blog. This one little corner has been carved out for Spiritual Preparedness. Do you have insights you would like to share? Random thoughts on spiritual preparedness? We may not practice the same religion, but on SCP we share the same God, the same Truth. Please email me at bcfossillady at gmail dot com if you would like to share.
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